BIRTH, LIFE AND DEATH OF A NEW KING!

Tuesday August 19, 1998

 

Ray Thompson Reacts to the news he has been chosen King Of The World

NEW YORK (Reuters) � 9:30 EDT - United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annon today announced that Ray Thompson of Jena Louisiana has been chosen King of the World. The surprise announcement came early this morning and was greeted with mixed emotions world wide. Mr. Thompson, in a telephone interview said that while he had not been expecting to be named king, he certainly wasn't surprised that he was chosen. "I've always considered myself more intelligent that most of the world's leaders, and quite frankly I think its time that I was given the opportunity to mold the world into a better place."

President Clinton, speaking outside the Whitehouse said that he had full faith in King Thompson, and was sure that the people of the United States would support their new monarch as they had supported Mr. Clinton.

In London, Prime Minister Tony Blair dissolved Parliament and announced that the British people were quite ready to follow their new King. "It's about time we had a real man for a king." In Japan, Emperor Hirihito III, said he was ready to step down from the Imperial throne his family has held for almost a thousand years. Some of those closest to Mr. Thompson, especially those with whom he once worked expressed grave reservations about his selection to head the world. According to one former, unnamed co-worker, "I know Ray, he's not nearly as smart as he thinks he is."

Sources inside the United Nations have admitted that while Mr. Thompson has no experience in world government, the U.N. General Assembly felt that it would be a terrible waste to let the abilities of such a brilliant mind not be put to use to save the world.

New King Ray Thompson makes his first, and only, speech.

JENA, LOUISIANA (Reuters) � 1:00 CST � New King Of The World Ray Thompson made his first public appearance since his selection to rule the globe this morning. He appeared on stage to make a brief acceptance speech and a short announcement of his vision of the world. He was cheered by thousands of onlookers, as he presented his view of the coming millennium. After a brief introduction by Secretary General Annon, King Thompson strode forcefully to the microphone. "My fellow world citizens, I would like to thank everyone for their enthusiastic support, and want to reassure the entire world that I will put all my energies into making this a world of peace, truth and beauty."

King Thompson went on to outline his agenda for his vision of a new world. "I foresee a world, where there is only peace and harmony. I foresee a world where the natural balance is restored. The women of this world have taken to themselves entirely too much power. Organizations like [the National Organization of Women] have built women up and filled them with outlandish notions, that they should be heard, not just seen, that they are equal to men, that they should be something other than slaves to the men in their lives. Why, some women even dare to think that they are smarter than men. What a silly notion. I foresee a world where women are restored to their natural place, in the kitchen, at the sink, or on their knees worshipping the men of their lives. I foresee a great new dawn in the world, and I'm sure that all of you share it with me, and I am proud to be the one chosen to make the world a good and proper place again."

King Ray, dead at the hands of an angry mob.

JENA LOUISIANA (Reuters) - 1:15 CST - King Ray Thompson was attacked by thousands of angry women moments after he stepped down from the speakers platform to shake hands with the crowd. With shouts of "Death to the Tyrant" the mob of enraged women pummeled him with their fists and tore at his clothes. Security guards tried to keep the threatening crowd back but their sheer numbers overwhelmed the protective force as they set upon the newly chosen king with a vengeance.

Men of the crowd tried to rescue King Thompson from their wrath, but were turned back by the force of the mob of women, and their threats to forever withhold sex if King Ray were allowed to live. Many men in the crowd sobbed as they watched the stampede of women attack their hero. One shaken man cried "He was a savior to men everywhere, why, why, why?" Others could only stand and stare in disbelief as the thousands of women stripped the King of his suit, dressed him in humiliating shorts and cap, then pummeled him to death with their purses and fists.

After each woman in turn had kicked or spit on the lifeless body the crowd began to disperse. Hundreds of sobbing men were seen being lead off by their newly empowered spouses. One woman, gripping her man by his hair shouted "sisters, this is the day we have been waiting for, today a stupid king, tomorrow the world!" Others sang gleefully, repeating the chorus from the rock song, "We are the champions, of the world!"

After the mob had left, a few men, mostly bachelors or widowed old men, gathered around the corpse that had represented so much hope. One mourner, through subdued tears said, "today we have seen a great man fall, but tomorrow another will rise to take his place." When asked if he were speaking of himself he answered "hell no, you see what happened to this dim wit!"